I hate immature people.

I want to go up to her and just tell her

"You would do well to learn,"mimi", that the words of a child mean nothing to me."

But I wont, because I'm the better person and all that jazz.

But I really hope she trips over her own inflated ego and smashes her nose or something.

I sound like an 11 year old, bah.

<333

So my moms out of the hospital =]

They performed an emergency surgery on monday the 2nd, and she woke up for the first time on friday the 12th. She was in the ICU for a total of two weeks, until she was moved to the main floor for two days, where she proceeded to throw an absolute fit to anyone who would listen until they sent her home with a draining tube still coming out of her abdomen.

Thats my mother for you, she is not happy until she is completely in control of the situation. Ive never appreciated this frustrating quality more.

The surgeon told us that she was not expected to live when they took her into surgery, and their hopes for her were destroyed completely when she asparated into her lungs and contracted pneumonia. They obviously dont know her, because she is now at home (with a partially collapsed lung, I should add) making a thousand phonecalls a day and planning for christmas.

Now, she need only re-build the 40% of muscle mass she losy from two weeks of not moving, regain her lung capacity, and build up her stamina. She should be back to work early next year.

As for me, I have been to stressed to do ANY homework for the last two weeks. The worry drained me of all mental capability and now I have four failing graded to yank up by semester.

I'm screwed? I dont care, Im glad my moms ok.

One good thing has come of this, though, and that is that my family is speaking to one another again. Before all this, my aunts and uncles on my mothers side had separated into two groups who hated eachother, and now they are not only speaking, but hugging.

My Aunt M actually called my Grampa dad and hugged him when we first went to see my mom just after she got out of surgery. Then, when we got back to our city, he invited her in and showed her all the improvements he has made to his house in the last year.

Itss o weird, one near-death experience and we suddenly all love eachother again.

<333

Alright, I'm giving in.

I need to be on my meds again.

I cant take this anymore, its too hard to smile all day and crash when no ones looking.

Ive heard people say they wish they were Manic Depressive because then at least you would get a high at some point, but its not worth it.

Its not worth waking up at two in the morning sobbing in your sleep, not worth collapsing into a helpless heap on the floor everytime your alone, not worth hating yourself so badly you wish you could undo whatever they did to fix your heart so you could eventually just fall asleep and never wake up.

I want to be stable, thats it.

I dont even have time for the fucking therapy.

Ah, new school year, new friends, new worries.

Three honors/AP classes, A rather unpleasant art course, No sleep, and inflamed lungs have been my most recent woes, but I 'm trying not to worry because I know things will get worse later and stressing out now would just make things worse in the future.

(Though, I dont know how you could call a complete meltdown in lieu of finishing a research paper 'not stressing.')

Anywho, the results of my second chest x-ray are in, the pneumonia is gone, but my lungs are still inflamed. I am going on a two week treatment of steroids for that. well, as soon as we can afford the medication anyways, since we are now completely broke thanks to my brothers university tuition.

Speaking of which, I was nominated for the vice president position of the California Scholarship Foundation at my highschool, and I may not get to do it because my parents cant give me my application fee. This makes me sad. I would lovelovelove to get this position, and plan things, and just be referred to as 'Vice president.'

seriously, how cool would that be?

and it would look sooooo great on my college applications. The two girls I am running against are lot more qualified, but I'm the only one who really has time for something like this. and they both have a huge list of extracurricular activities for their college applications, and I dont. I need this.

I want to go to Humboldt State university, because its right by the ocean and like 45 minutes away from the redwood forest, which I love.

Oh, its 5:13 already . . . oops. I have to go do my hair and whatnot, school starts in a couple of hours.

<333

Kaleb is at home. And he's safe.

I'm so glad, the whole time he was gone I was so worried. I couldnt sleep, I couldnt focus, I'm so glad he's safe!

He ran away three weeks ago, and I just broke down when I found out.

Life is really hard for him right now, or so Ive gathered from his noncommital answers to all my questions.

I'm so relieved. I hope hes back in school soon.

<333

Its been a week since my 11:00pm dash to the ER, and I must say I'm feeling better.

I can breathe, thats a definite improvement.

Its the second time in the last four months I have had pneumonia/pluracy. coincident? I think not. and neither does my doctor. I have more tests as soon as I'm off the most recent batch of high-dose medication.

mr.doctor says it could be my auto immune disease. that makes me sad, it could mean I'm getting worse.

but a nurse in the ER told me there is a vaccine for pneumonia, I hope thats all I need this time. wouldnt it be nice if I didnt have to miss school this year?

ha. thats not gonna happen.

<333

To go back to school?

I mean, theres nothing particularly scary there. other than the fact that the coffee I apilled in freshman year is probably still stuck to the outside of my locker, and no one has bothered to clean it up.

I geuss I'm partly worried about my image, which sounds horrible.

My mom's bonus came in, and the IRS took most of it, so I could only spend about 150 dollars on clothes. my mom was there was I was shopping, so she took over and bought everything she wanted me to wear. so now, I have like four hideous outfits that are way to big. I was able to fight two pairs of skinny jeans and some new flats into the mix, but thats it. I have no shirts. just a bunch of frumpy dresses.

this sounds vain, But I have always been known for my cute clothes and fantastic style. My freinds just come to expect that I'm going to look awesome everyday. thats not going to be the case this year, I dont even have one awesome outfit to wow them with on the first day.

I'm stressing out over this 24/7, and today I'm raiding my closet and having a massive game of dress-up to ry and create something awesome out of nothing.

I'm also worried about my freind Danelle, and our relationship when school starts again.

we were really close last year, and then she began to smother me in her presence and invade my space, so I told her I needed her to back off for a awhile so I could breathe. we had gotten so close that I had become her, and vice versa, so I needed some time ti find me under all her influence.

she was hugely offended by this, and we didnt talk for like, the last month of school or all summer. I called her last night, to see how she was doing and 'make nice.' we had a pleasant, long conversation, but I'm still worried. I wrote her a note in our old 'book' apologising for me needing to separate from her, and asking her to forget about the whole thing so we could move on to making the new school year awesome. I hope she can find it in her heart to do so, because I have a feeling I am really going to need to rely on my freinds this year.

I geuss thats it then, I'm really worried about his upcoming year. I can already tell its going to be stressfull and difficult, and it hasnt even started yet.

-sigh-, wish me luck = /

<333

It seems that no matter how depressed, angry, and ill I get I just cant scare off my friends.

I love how loyal they are, and I love that when I'm feeling the lowest of low they just appear out of nowhere and cheer me up =]

Today I'm going to coffee with my bestie Lyssa, and I'm really excited. I havent seen her in several months, and she has this contagious happiness that I really need right now.

So, this is gonna be a good day, the kind of day that makes all the bad ones seem worthwhile.

thanks to all my besties, Kellin, Pheesh, Lyssa, Jon, and all the rest of you! I survive because you are here for me <333